Tuesday, September 28, 2004
I have nothing interesting or profound to say at all, but since someone can't live without me, I decided to go ahead and post. Thats right. It's all for my public.
I went to a childrens ministry leadership conference on Saturday. It was a lot of fun, but everything we talked about I already knew. It makes me think I should go into business, or engineering, or politics even--something I don't understand so well so that I could be challenged. Not that my job isn't challenging, but really the actual job-not so much. It's all the other people (parents, the pastor, youth leader) that make my job unlikable. I do have allies though-its not all gloom and destruction.
In other news, sunday the youth group went paintballing. I watched. It scares me to play. Plus it costs a lot of money that we don't have. Next week we are watching a movie and playing football if the weather is nice. That is much more to my liking.
The pastor set hours for me 10-1 everyday. Well, its 1:00 on tuesday and I haven't been to work since sunday. Oh well. Thursday I have to go in at 9, so we'll say that makes up for it.
I have resumed my neopets playing with a new neopet thanks to my brother joel and his love of neopia.
If you're still reading-here's the profound thought-not mine-Tony Campolo's. Taken from a book he wrote in the early 1980's: We need a prophet who will weep for America, who will stir us to a memory of what we were meant to be, who will reach into our collective consciousness and who will draw out of it the sorrowful memory of the real American dream. Such a prophet will not only weep floods of tears for America but will also teach us to weep. In that weeping lies our only hope, because it is the weeping that can break the numbness of our hearts and minds. It is the grieving that can teach us how to feel again.
Tony Campolo has since been deemed a modern prophet. He said all of this stuff 20 years ago. Today, no one is looking it up, and of course, as the presidental election gets closer, no one is weeping. So there you have it. I posted.
Friday, September 24, 2004
I say all of that to say, being a christian is part of who I am...the same as having blue eyes. I don't think anyone is intimidated based on eye color alone--the shape, shading, and other characteristics maybe..but not on color alone (unless that color is something way crazy)
I guess I feel like to be intimidated by me, you would have had to have put me on a pedestal. Well, I hope that I have fallen from it. If I haven't--I will. And then all you've ever believed about me, and about my faith will be worthless. I know. I have seen it happen. See, I did something bad. I destroyed a friendship with someone who was very important to me, and I did it for a boy. Not my husband. a different boy. A boy who makes no difference now. And that friendship is destroyed. Did I do it on purpose? Maybe. Maybe not. I don't really know. I do know that no amount of apologies, or attempts to reconnect will ever make things the way they were-better or worse..they will never be the same. I won't be on a pedestal-thats for sure. I failed someone at a time when they probably needed me most. And I will always regret it-but that doesn't change it.
Every christian person does it. They let people see all the good in them. They hide the bad..for fear of judgement, not being a good witness, or whatever. It's like..sinning doesn't stop existing for the christian..it just becomes a secret.
I guess I am a little frustrated. Talking about God makes people uncomfortable. Some of my closest friends have no problems writing out their feelings for me to read and comment on at my leisure, but at the same time, if we were face to face...there is no way they (or I) would willingly have a serious conversation about God outside of a Bible study/church setting.
Don't worry--christians are intimidated by nonchristians too...they fear people who drink, smoke, have sex, or swear. Mainly because they don't know what to do, or say. Christians become afraid to say what they think, because well..if it offends someone...
To be honest-Jesus was offensive. He loved people in a way that was unheard of...he broke thousands of rules, just so he could keep right on loving. I want to be offensive that way. I can't. There are too many people I have hurt or let down, people who are either afraid to trust me, or afraid to trust what I believe in. To those people I am sorry. I screwed up. Not Jesus. To say that I won't do it again would be a lie.
The truth is simple. Jesus loves you more deeply, powerfully and sincerely than you can ever imagine. It isn't cliche, it isn't offensive. It's love. It's something most of us barely recognize, because we have all been wounded so deeply we fear the pain won't ever stop haunting us. My heart breaks...and it breaks specifically today for those of you who don't know Jesus. And for those of you who are lonely. And for those of you who feel lost. Jesus loves you. Jesus loves me. Did I mention Jesus loves you? Wait. what? Jesus loves you. The person reading this right now--you. Jesus loves you. Whether you believe it or not. It's true. and nothing you can do will change that. it's not a failing kind of love--like I love you...but I let you down. It's unstoppable, unbreakable love. It can take anything...anything. Jesus loves you.
For those of you who just visited for the first time...I don't always ramble on like this. I can be upbeat, and fun...but today...this was my burden. If that makes me a religious fanatic...so be it.
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Megan called today-we had a good chat. Funny how you miss people at the most random times. I fear that Mickey is calling me, and megan is the medium.
I started reading a new book "The life you've always wanted" by John Ortberg. I find it to be challenging and insightful, and I must say, it is cheering my up a bit. Of course, I took it to work purely to have something to read once my work was completed, and now I am super glad I did. I highly recommend it. Especially if you are looking to better your relationship with Jesus. It has begun to cure some of my bitterness about being here-and while there is still lots of work to do there, I know that it is helping my attitude at least a little.
I used to dream of writing books. of any kind. Now, I look at my grammar and cringe. Maybe I should take a class-though I don't feel that I have any creative energy currently.
Sunday, September 19, 2004
This is another struggle. Having only been here since June, I know it isn't fair to make judgements...and the first year is the hardest...but I am really struggling with being here. THere is no one at all (no exaggeration) our age at the church, and since that is where I spend most of my time, we haven't made any friends. And I'm kind of a social creature. So even with scott, I feel pretty alone. When he goes to work I just sit around at home-like I have forgotten how to make friends, and I have no desire to go out alone. I want to, I just don't know where to go, or what to do. So its hard. It's even harder that while most of the people at church are super nice, there are some things I don't understand-like when you get approval for something, start it and then get told you can't do it-well its frustrating. and its happened more than once. The church seems healthy, but it also seems that everyone is too busy to really make anything happen. I'm just frustrated. I know God is faithful and that He wouldn't have put me here if it wasn't meant to be, but I just keep wondering how long? What am I supposed to learn? The people are very supportive, and I think I need that confidence, but at the same time...its so frustrating. But now I'm just ranting, instead of being thankful for the opportunities I do have.
I'm gonna go stare at the TV
Saturday, September 18, 2004
Thursday, September 16, 2004
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
The highlights of Tuesday--My mom and one of my grandma's came to visit-so that made me a little happy to have company for the day. Scott and I went grocery shopping and got some yummy stuff. Thats happy too. Now, I must sleep for tomorrow I actually have to try and work.
In other super exciting news--Group publishing has selected my church to host one of the VBS promotion parties this spring..which means I get free VBS product, and I get to do some networking and hopefully give the church an even better VBS reputation than it already has. YAY!! (its the little things--I really wanted to do this) YAY!!
Friday, September 10, 2004
Monday, September 06, 2004
Thursday, September 02, 2004
well, I can't sleep. to everyone who likes to stay updated on my life...skip to the bottom. or keep reading it is encouraging for everyone...but today its personal--this is my encouragement to one of my oldest and dearest friends. (you know who you are...)
My dear friend, I wish that I could be with you now, that we could be at steak and shake, that we could cry, and know that together everything will be okay. to turn tears to laughter, and jokes to deep philosophical discussions that have shaped both of our faiths. While I am still forever searching--i still find these truths to be universal. God loves us. Nothing can change that. Jesus died for us. Nothing can change that. We will hurt. God can hug us...metaphorically and through our steak and shake friends. I know that right now is a time in your life when you don't want to hear about God. You are angry at your circumstance, and above all--hurting so deeply you feel it will never go away. I want to tell you I am always here, nothing will ever change that. Every life is marked with pain. Some more than others--right now, yours more than most. but you do have some things you can be thankful for-family, friends (ahem), a place to sleep at night, food on the table, and all the other cliche encouragements you can think of.
Your hurt will fade, and there will be another-it will be harder to open your heart, but there is always something to be learned from each relationship. To trust now seems impossible, to believe in someone, even crazier. But it is possible. Don't give up hope. I will see you soon, and we can laugh, and cry-and talk about boys, Jesus, work, the meaning of life, and why all of a sudden, after of a quarter of a century do we discover that we know nothing. I love you. More deeply and powefully than you can even imagine. (and God loves you more than that...though I still don't have science to prove it..thus your struggle continues).
On another note--if you ever feel hurried by life and want to spend some time with God..(and if you have a fast connection and sound..preferably) you should check out the site below. Shout out to the catholics who have been doing this for years! I find that it relaxes me and makes me feel refreshed.