the lies christians tell.

I would like to start by saying that a someone who is now my friend, once intimidated me. But how can that be? well--shes smart, funny, likable, a super awesome christian, and well...thats intimidating. She went to the big church, sang on the impact team, does all of the right things, and condones the wrong things. I tell you all of this to tell you--she had no idea I was intimidated by her. She didn't see any reason why I (or anyone else for that matter-there are others) should be. But that didn't change the facts. I was intimidated. Very intimidated. As in please don't leave me alone with her, I won't have any idea what to do or say. Things aren't like that any more. In fact, I admire her, respect her, and most of all, like to laugh with her. I don't talk to her as often as I should...but we all know I'm a bad friend...so yeah.

I say all of that to say, being a christian is part of who I am...the same as having blue eyes. I don't think anyone is intimidated based on eye color alone--the shape, shading, and other characteristics maybe..but not on color alone (unless that color is something way crazy)

I guess I feel like to be intimidated by me, you would have had to have put me on a pedestal. Well, I hope that I have fallen from it. If I haven't--I will. And then all you've ever believed about me, and about my faith will be worthless. I know. I have seen it happen. See, I did something bad. I destroyed a friendship with someone who was very important to me, and I did it for a boy. Not my husband. a different boy. A boy who makes no difference now. And that friendship is destroyed. Did I do it on purpose? Maybe. Maybe not. I don't really know. I do know that no amount of apologies, or attempts to reconnect will ever make things the way they were-better or worse..they will never be the same. I won't be on a pedestal-thats for sure. I failed someone at a time when they probably needed me most. And I will always regret it-but that doesn't change it.

Every christian person does it. They let people see all the good in them. They hide the bad..for fear of judgement, not being a good witness, or whatever. It's like..sinning doesn't stop existing for the christian..it just becomes a secret.

I guess I am a little frustrated. Talking about God makes people uncomfortable. Some of my closest friends have no problems writing out their feelings for me to read and comment on at my leisure, but at the same time, if we were face to face...there is no way they (or I) would willingly have a serious conversation about God outside of a Bible study/church setting.

Don't worry--christians are intimidated by nonchristians too...they fear people who drink, smoke, have sex, or swear. Mainly because they don't know what to do, or say. Christians become afraid to say what they think, because well..if it offends someone...

To be honest-Jesus was offensive. He loved people in a way that was unheard of...he broke thousands of rules, just so he could keep right on loving. I want to be offensive that way. I can't. There are too many people I have hurt or let down, people who are either afraid to trust me, or afraid to trust what I believe in. To those people I am sorry. I screwed up. Not Jesus. To say that I won't do it again would be a lie.

The truth is simple. Jesus loves you more deeply, powerfully and sincerely than you can ever imagine. It isn't cliche, it isn't offensive. It's love. It's something most of us barely recognize, because we have all been wounded so deeply we fear the pain won't ever stop haunting us. My heart breaks...and it breaks specifically today for those of you who don't know Jesus. And for those of you who are lonely. And for those of you who feel lost. Jesus loves you. Jesus loves me. Did I mention Jesus loves you? Wait. what? Jesus loves you. The person reading this right now--you. Jesus loves you. Whether you believe it or not. It's true. and nothing you can do will change that. it's not a failing kind of love--like I love you...but I let you down. It's unstoppable, unbreakable love. It can take anything...anything. Jesus loves you.

For those of you who just visited for the first time...I don't always ramble on like this. I can be upbeat, and fun...but today...this was my burden. If that makes me a religious fanatic...so be it.

Somebody Save me...

Yay-so tonight we are visiting Rachel and Joel for the fantastic season premiere of Smallville. It's fun. We had corn, and went to dairy queen, and played puzzle, played phase 10, and of course-watched smallville. **if i could turn back time** I love that song. Hope everyone is having a good nite :)

We're glad to have you.

So, I had my first evaluation today with the staff parish committee. And, they said they think I am doing a fantastic job, and they are glad I am there. They even offered to pay for a dinner hosted by the church for childrens/youth leaders in the area in an effort to help me meet people I can connect with. I like them-of course, the pastor still expects me to have pointless office hours, but hey-at least he's not the head of staff parish.

Megan called today-we had a good chat. Funny how you miss people at the most random times. I fear that Mickey is calling me, and megan is the medium.

I started reading a new book "The life you've always wanted" by John Ortberg. I find it to be challenging and insightful, and I must say, it is cheering my up a bit. Of course, I took it to work purely to have something to read once my work was completed, and now I am super glad I did. I highly recommend it. Especially if you are looking to better your relationship with Jesus. It has begun to cure some of my bitterness about being here-and while there is still lots of work to do there, I know that it is helping my attitude at least a little.

I used to dream of writing books. of any kind. Now, I look at my grammar and cringe. Maybe I should take a class-though I don't feel that I have any creative energy currently.

Veggie tales-Bible stories or pure entertainment?

I love veggie tales. However, I realize that they are adapted. Today, during kids church-I asked how many people were seen in the fiery furnace? (seen, not thrown in). None of the kids knew the story. They all swore to me that they had NEVER EVER heard it. Some of these kids are in 5th grade. Now, I didn't start going to church until 2nd grade, and I knew the story by then. So question one--why can they tell me the intimate details about mehibosheth but not this classic tale? I then ask them if they had ever seen Rack, Shack, and Benny. Well then everyone knew the story. So because of the veggie tales, we apparently no longer teach these fantastic classic tales. OF course, I also got told Noah was the first man. Is it perhaps just impossible for children to retain information of the religious nature.

This is another struggle. Having only been here since June, I know it isn't fair to make judgements...and the first year is the hardest...but I am really struggling with being here. THere is no one at all (no exaggeration) our age at the church, and since that is where I spend most of my time, we haven't made any friends. And I'm kind of a social creature. So even with scott, I feel pretty alone. When he goes to work I just sit around at home-like I have forgotten how to make friends, and I have no desire to go out alone. I want to, I just don't know where to go, or what to do. So its hard. It's even harder that while most of the people at church are super nice, there are some things I don't understand-like when you get approval for something, start it and then get told you can't do it-well its frustrating. and its happened more than once. The church seems healthy, but it also seems that everyone is too busy to really make anything happen. I'm just frustrated. I know God is faithful and that He wouldn't have put me here if it wasn't meant to be, but I just keep wondering how long? What am I supposed to learn? The people are very supportive, and I think I need that confidence, but at the same time...its so frustrating. But now I'm just ranting, instead of being thankful for the opportunities I do have.

I'm gonna go stare at the TV

Oh the pressure.

With this sudden growth in my blogging friends, I find myself under enormous pressure to post on a regular basis--I also obsessively check everyone else's blog so I can see new posts, or even new comments immediately. Do you think this is unhealthy? I even find myself constantly checking Scott's livejournal and I live with him. I know everything that goes on in his life. But I still feel compelled to check-as if he has some secret internet life he may reveal to the masses and not to me. You never know. and so I must check. and check again. and again. He's at work. There isn't any way he could post. But just in case someone comments. Oh the pressure. I think that perhaps the internet is the devil, and the real reason I have no friends is that instead of going out and making some, I stick to my lovely computer. What a sad sad life.