I would like to start by saying that a someone who is now my friend, once intimidated me. But how can that be? well--shes smart, funny, likable, a super awesome christian, and well...thats intimidating. She went to the big church, sang on the impact team, does all of the right things, and condones the wrong things. I tell you all of this to tell you--she had no idea I was intimidated by her. She didn't see any reason why I (or anyone else for that matter-there are others) should be. But that didn't change the facts. I was intimidated. Very intimidated. As in please don't leave me alone with her, I won't have any idea what to do or say. Things aren't like that any more. In fact, I admire her, respect her, and most of all, like to laugh with her. I don't talk to her as often as I should...but we all know I'm a bad friend...so yeah.
I say all of that to say, being a christian is part of who I am...the same as having blue eyes. I don't think anyone is intimidated based on eye color alone--the shape, shading, and other characteristics maybe..but not on color alone (unless that color is something way crazy)
I guess I feel like to be intimidated by me, you would have had to have put me on a pedestal. Well, I hope that I have fallen from it. If I haven't--I will. And then all you've ever believed about me, and about my faith will be worthless. I know. I have seen it happen. See, I did something bad. I destroyed a friendship with someone who was very important to me, and I did it for a boy. Not my husband. a different boy. A boy who makes no difference now. And that friendship is destroyed. Did I do it on purpose? Maybe. Maybe not. I don't really know. I do know that no amount of apologies, or attempts to reconnect will ever make things the way they were-better or worse..they will never be the same. I won't be on a pedestal-thats for sure. I failed someone at a time when they probably needed me most. And I will always regret it-but that doesn't change it.
Every christian person does it. They let people see all the good in them. They hide the bad..for fear of judgement, not being a good witness, or whatever. It's like..sinning doesn't stop existing for the christian..it just becomes a secret.
I guess I am a little frustrated. Talking about God makes people uncomfortable. Some of my closest friends have no problems writing out their feelings for me to read and comment on at my leisure, but at the same time, if we were face to face...there is no way they (or I) would willingly have a serious conversation about God outside of a Bible study/church setting.
Don't worry--christians are intimidated by nonchristians too...they fear people who drink, smoke, have sex, or swear. Mainly because they don't know what to do, or say. Christians become afraid to say what they think, because well..if it offends someone...
To be honest-Jesus was offensive. He loved people in a way that was unheard of...he broke thousands of rules, just so he could keep right on loving. I want to be offensive that way. I can't. There are too many people I have hurt or let down, people who are either afraid to trust me, or afraid to trust what I believe in. To those people I am sorry. I screwed up. Not Jesus. To say that I won't do it again would be a lie.
The truth is simple. Jesus loves you more deeply, powerfully and sincerely than you can ever imagine. It isn't cliche, it isn't offensive. It's love. It's something most of us barely recognize, because we have all been wounded so deeply we fear the pain won't ever stop haunting us. My heart breaks...and it breaks specifically today for those of you who don't know Jesus. And for those of you who are lonely. And for those of you who feel lost. Jesus loves you. Jesus loves me. Did I mention Jesus loves you? Wait. what? Jesus loves you. The person reading this right now--you. Jesus loves you. Whether you believe it or not. It's true. and nothing you can do will change that. it's not a failing kind of love--like I love you...but I let you down. It's unstoppable, unbreakable love. It can take anything...anything. Jesus loves you.
For those of you who just visited for the first time...I don't always ramble on like this. I can be upbeat, and fun...but today...this was my burden. If that makes me a religious fanatic...so be it.
2 comments:
Growing up, I was lead to believe by the Christians that I knew, that they were above reproach, I was a sinner, and that they did no wrong.
Then they would go home and drink and smoke and swear and tell me I was going to hell for reading comic books.
So for the last 20 years, I've thought of Christians as self-righteous hypocrites.
Only now do I understand, that the purpose is not to claim that you are and then not, but just to try. You don't HAVE to be Jesus, you're just trying to be as good as him. But you're human, and humans aren't perfect. But it's in the trying that makes you a Christian.
At least that's how I see it.
I understand how you feel. I just fell off that pedestal that my sisters had me on. To them I was everything our parents wanted us to be and we weren't friends. To me I was just trying.... day by day...to be the best I could be. I fell when I left my husband.
I am choosing to walk away from my marriage. Is this right in God's eyes? The answer there my friend is between God and me. You can judge me however you like, but in the end it is the Lord who judges me. To those who choose to be legalistic and read only the black and white words on the pages of God's word I beg you … come live my life for a day, or two. Live with the pain and the abuse. Come see what my life is like. The first question people ask me when they find out where I am right now is …did he hit you? The answer is, No.
But there are other ways to abuse other than ball a fist. Webster defines abusive: 1. expressive of or characterized by disrespect or contempt 2. physically injurious. Funny that the only definition the church accepts at abuse is the second. However, even then they really only care about the physical abuse that leaves scars you can see. Those scars you can't see. Those are the ones that take forever to heal. The church has condemned me. They see me as less of a Christian because I am choosing to end my marriage. God hates divorce. I hate divorce. Christians can't accept that there may be times when it is the best choice for all involved. I can say that because there was a time in my life when I believed it. I learned something yesterday. I learned that either choice I make at this point is going to be one of huge struggles and more pain. It doesn't matter if I return to my husband and allow him to use and abuse me again or if I choose to walk away and find a different life. Either choice will come with it's own consequences and struggles. My marriage.... wasn't happy. It lasted 5 years because I willed it to. I stayed. I believed. I trusted. I held on alone. I prayed alone. I worshiped alone. I slept alone. I lived alone the entire time still living with my husband. All the while I was dying inside. Then one day I broke. A month later he moved out. Funny how so many of my friends chose to disappear during that horrible time in my life. I am blessed that through the fire that there is one who sticks closer than a brother. I wouldn't have made it through without him. My bestest friend is Christ. I am so glad that he stripped me of my earthly friends so that I could realize that to the fullest!
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