the best thing i read all day.

So last week...scott got this book-PLAN B FURTHER THOUGHTS ON FAITH and i thought it sounded alright--but more like i have nothing else to read on sunday afternoon so why not? But today, i get up and go to leave for work--and i think i should take that book with me (as i was going to be sitting at mcdonalds supervising visitation for three hours). I had another book already in the car--but something (probably Jesus) suggested this book was to be my reading for the day.

The story is really long, and so I'm not going to post it here--but you should get the book, the author is Anne Lamott (and its on the 3 for 2 table at borders!) and read the story red cords. It really helped me to get this insight into how we are connected, anointed and loved by a crazy wonderful God. It gave me hope, and peace. It also gave me strength and courage. It really affected me.

I hate being jealous. Ask my husband, i'm jealous a lot. whether its because some of our friends have babies, or homes or whatever--i get jealous. Now-we're really happy and we've chosen to live the lives we're living. We opted for doing tons of volunteer work (and missing vacation opportunities to maryland or disney) to do these things--camp, quizzing, youth work--we have to sacrifice--we have to work at jobs that will be flexible enough to allow us to do these things. These jobs will never be high paying jobs. Our hope is that we can have a house and kids, and that we'll get by. We've CHOSEN this life--or this life has chosen us. Either way--i still get jealous. Why can't i have a gym membership? or a huge house in bourbonnais? or get my masters? or work part time so that we can have babies? We've been brainwashed-much like the rest of our culture--we're programmed to keep up. Your best friend just got a new car? well then you should too. It's hard to not want the things that others have. It's hard to make other people understand--we aren't doing these things to appear holy--we really want people to understand this Jesus thing. And to do that--we have to give up some stuff. I've always been kind of materialistic and its hard for me to not have what everyone else has. I want the new house, car, pool, plasma tv, whatever. But more than that, I want to serve Jesus. I was once told that if you're doing something--and it isn't for the glory of God--then you need to evaluate why you do it. I realize not everyone will understand this post. Some folks I'm sure think we're nuts. Thats what Jesus does to people. He makes them do things they never considered doing. I want to give up what we've given up--i've prayed, made that choice--and been happy. i wouldn't give up camp, or quiz events, or youth events, or NYWC for any of the stuff everyone else has. I love seeing and being Jesus. I wish I was better at it. when i get jealous, i feel like a failure. like i shouldn't want all of those other things because i've chosen this life. The cords story reminds me that God has chosen me--just as i am...failure and all. I wouldn't be happy if I gave all those other things up in exchange for a big screen tv, or gym membership, or a fancy car (although the 11 cup holders in the party van give me hope that God loves me!).

Maybe my struggle is wondering--would those other people with all their cool stuff be happy if they gave it up to go to church camp? Or is there a way to have both?

Anyway, thats my struggle of the day. Who knew that loving Jesus is such a struggle sometimes?