restless.

this is the third attempt at this post. i am sad to see one of my very dearest friends going through a sad period. I was trying to make this post full of comfort and encouragement. I want you to be happy, I want you to start living your life and stop waiting for something better. I love you and you make me happy. I don't know how to say the right things, and I know that so many times I say the wrong things. I unintentionally hurt your feelings, and we never talk about it. I can't even imagine how hard it is for you to be so far away from the people you are closest to-remember home is where you rest your rump :)

Of course in thinking about all of this, i can't help but think about how lazy our generation is. If we don't get what we want, we sit around and wait until we can get it. we've stopped setting goals, and looking for ways to improve our every day quality of life. I complain about wanting to lose weight, but instead of applying a little bit of discipline and not eating all that candy, i prefer to just wish it away. In Kokomo, instead of trying to get involved and meet new people, all I did was whine and complain and watch tv. I didn't want to be there, and allowed myself to be miserable instead of putting in effort to try and enjoy it. Its a wonder we're capable of feeling anything. Its a terrible depression, and it sneaks up on you until you are sleeping and watching tv, and eating chips and wishing your life was completely different. Catlin has been so much better. Part of that is because we now have Rachel and Joel right down the street. we'll be lucky if they're still there a year from now. But its also been better because I am trying to make it better. I am substitute teaching, and actually talking to people about getting involved. I am making an effort to just be nice, and really trying to get to know people. Not as the youth pastors wife, but as someone on a journey, sincerely caring about those i come into contact with. This isn't directed at anyone, but rather a reflection on how things need to change in my life.

I love you. I see your hurt and have no idea how to make it better. I'm just slightly too far away and the fact that you open up to me means more than you know. If it were up to me, I would make it all better. I would help you and encourage you the way I keep saying I will. I would call you or email you every day to hold you to your disciplines. I am sorry I am failing you. I want you to be happy. I want you to feel loved. I want you to belong, and feel accepted and enjoy this part of our journey. I will try harder. I will do what I can, if you let me.