it's early.

It's 1:10 am. Ruby is teething, and 2 months old. She finally fell asleep after much fussing around 9 pm or so and scott laid her in her swing. Normally, she would have eaten at 10. But she was SO tired, we decided to let her sleep until she woke up. Scott is asleep on the couch, and im playing around on the computer. Our baby was apparently even more tired than we realized. She's STILL asleep in her swing. shes stirred a few times, but not woken up, and i think thats probably best...I may be a little tired tomorrow but its ok.

I go back to work next week. For the first 5 weeks that i was home, i was really looking forward to it. The last two weeks, the quizzers have come over to hang out after school, and Ruby has become more interactive, and now im not so ready to go back. I would love to be able to either stay home or to work part time, but right now, we just can't afford it. Hopefully in the next few years we can get the cars and credit cards paid off. Then maybe we'll have a second baby (still unsure about that idea--but we know that if we do decide to do that, we would want Ruby to be at least 2) and I could work part time. I know that my job is flexible enough to be able to do that, but I would lose my benefits. Ruby is on scotts insurance, and maybe i could be on it too.

OR--scott or I could get a masters degree in whatever, and i could at least have summers off...I would want to do school social work. Scott would perhaps like to teach high school. I guess we'll see how it all plays out. We're pretty happy with our involvement in our church and our jobs, so we would have to commit to school and cut a few other things out. I'm sure that no matter what, the journey will be terrific.

being home.

I'm in week 6 of maternity leave and i'm bored. I did a million facebook surveys the first few weeks. I play on my wii fit, we had company last week...and now its just ruby and me again. I love ruby, and hanging out is getting to e a little more fun...shes already changing a lot--and im seeing less of the serious look, and getting less screams during changing time...but...in the times that shes sleeping (a lot) i find myself bored. I mean, while i desire to lose some weight, you can only do so many rounds of hula-hoop or strength excercises. and when i eat pizza rolls for lunch, it seems defeatist.

We've had at least one quizzer here every night since sunday--i guess to get ready for indy. and finals is in 3 weeks. If only they didn't have school, to occupy some of my daytime. And lets be honest--they come for ruby as much as they come for quizzing. Which is ok--im glad the love her too.

The one thing that really has stuck with me over the past 6 weeks is how much people really care about us. Ruby is 5 weeks old and is surrounded by people who love and care for her. Shes got us, and our families, (and our quizzers) but beyond that shes got a great church family watching out for her. This strikes me on wednesday nights, when its like being a celebrity. So many people checking in to see how shes doing and how im feeling. last night, as i was checking ruby into the nursery for the first time so i could go to youth group--two families stopped over at the check in counter to see her and check up on us. I was truly touched by this last night, because it was obvious they went out of their way to come over and check in. It's just a really great feeling to know that Ruby is so loved and looked out for, even as little as she is.

I start teaching sunday school again sunday, and im excited to see the girls and hear about all the things in their lives. I helped in jr high youth group last night, and was excited to see all the girls i used to teach. I love hanging out with those kids, and feel like switching to jr high from sr high was the right decision for now. I liked helping in sr high, but really i love the energy of the younger crowd.

Anyway, thats all i've got to ramble about at the moment. I'm sure i'll have something thought provoking to add later.

ramblings about choices.

If you make a commitment to something, you shouldn't be angry when people expect you to be responsible for your commitment.

In my job, i work with parents who aren't willing to take responsibility and raise their children. Or take responsibility and deal with their addiction. If they don't take responsibility, then they don't get re-united with their children--they've made their choice. i can't change it. I can be supportive and encourage them to do what needs done, but i can't force it.

In my life, I have to be responsible to go to work, or i won't have a job. If I don't go to work, and I lose my job, it is not the fault of my employer. I made the choice.

In my bible study, if I don't read the material, I am responsible for that. Not the other members of our bible study. Just me. I'm the one that loses, because I didn't take the time. I made the choice. When someone calls me out on it, I have no choice but to accept responsibility for my lack of commitment to the group.

I get frustrated when our quizzers don't study. Less than 2 pages, and they don't take the time to read it over, and study it. Even though they made a commitment to the team, and when they're called out on it, they get frustrated and angry...but they made the choice. Not me. I had no control over their choice. Today, I wanted to yell. But it makes no difference. It does not change their choice. or their commitment. Ultimately, they made a commitment to be on a team, and whether they want to or not, they owe it to each other to do the work they committed to. If they don't, then its their choice, and the whole team suffers.

When I play on the computer instead of doing laundry, or dishes I make a choice. I don't have clean clothes to wear, or a plate to eat dinner on and its all my fault. No one forced me to spend an hour on facebook.

When I watch tv instead of doing my wii fit, I make a choice to be lazy, and my muscles get weak, and i can't complain about being fat if i make the choice to stay that way. I made a choice. No one forced me to watch tv all afternoon.


So I get angry, and frustrated about all these things, and thats my choice. I want to not care, because thats easier. But then i remember something: God made a choice. It was a choice he didn't probably want to make. He chose to have his son die for me. Jesus didn't want to die, he prays "if its possible, take this cup from me". He probably could have walked away. But he didn't. He could have given up, decided that people didn't deserve salvation. BUT He didn't. He wanted so badly to be in relationship with ME that he went ahead and died. Even when I didn't deserve it. Even when I get angry or say mean things, or do something i shouldn't...even when i'm the worst of sinners--God doesn't give up and walk away. He continues to love me, and honor his commitment to me, even when i don't honor my commitment to him. I make a choice. I make a choice to sin, and to be the one shouting "crucify" or the one hammering the nails. and Jesus, he says "father forgive them-they don't know what they are doing" Funny thing though--i'm making a choice. im aware of how my sin hurts people. and yet, i do it--yelling crucify as i sin.

I want to be like Jesus. I want to make the choice to put my faith first, to forgive when it seems impossible. To be giving when I feel like I've got nothing left to give. I want to love, even when loving is the hardest thing. To be like Jesus, I have to make a commitment, and be responsible for that choice. I need to live "wholeheartedly" and stop doing just enough to get by. because doing just enough to get by is a choice too--and its a choice that really only hurts me in the end. so--i hope to be more like Jesus. Even when its hard and I don't want to. If i only follow Jesus when things go my way and its easy--im not really following at all.