Security.

So, I have kind of a lot of work to do in the next week or two. But, I'm not a mobile caseworker (silly diocese not wanting to get us secure laptops). This means, I cannot get access to the DCFS program required to do my work. BUT sitting in my cubicle is so distracting. People talking, phones ringing, my desk needing to be cleaned. So, I get very little done. I have forgotten for 2 weeks straight to charge my ipod, thus creating the appropriate background to drown out everything else. TONIGHT, I will charge my ipod. TOMORROW I WILL do 5 social histories. I WILL finish all of my casenotes. Otherwise, im gonna have to work late. Because it has to be done.

I saw an old friend today while out at Indian Oaks. She didnt know I worked at Catholic Charities, I didn't know she was STILL at IOA. It was nice to catch up for a minute, but I was with a client, and she was working--not in the same place as me. But it was still a nice suprise. She said her family was great--with the exception of a Madden obsessed husband. I'm sure most of us can relate.

TODAY--I WILL also manage to work out and listen to a podcast while i do it. That should be motivating. I need to set more short term goals. I feel empowered. For the next 20 minutes at least.

Well.

It appears that I'm not doing a good job keeping up on my blog. I changed the layout, so maybe that will motivate me to post more. Maybe I'll even post inspirational things. Maybe someone will read it.

Our first district quiz is tomorrow. The excitement never goes away. We're taking 3 teams from first church, which is exciting all on its own. For the first time ever I think I've got everything done ahead of time. Which means it will probably all fall apart Saturday!! AHH!! We're down a little in attendance, but it seems like several quizzers have conflicts, so we may see that number go up a little bit later in the year.

Ruby is growing and is lots of fun to be around. She can play patty cake, and likes to cuddle and climb in everything. We enjoy having her around, even at her most frustrating moments is still a blessing.

One thing im struggling with lately is the idea of getting in shape. I know its important, and while weight loss would be an added benefit, its really just a good idea to be healthy. The problem is, I struggle with even finding the time to work out. What can I neglect to do that instead? My husband would tell me that I should get off the computer, or not watch so much TV. But those are the things I do to kind of "check out" for awhile. Maybe if I got into an exercise routine, that could be one of those things, but at this stage of my clumsy life, it takes an awful lot of concentration. I had a great idea that I could listen to my Corinthians Podcasts while working out, and then I would be getting some Bible study in with my exercise. The problem being--I have to do that in my living room until the basement is finished. So, i guess its a matter of discipline all around. Pray for that.

picnic day.

well, ruby woke up around 600, and ate, and is now laying in bed with scott. im not sure if shes awake or asleep. i came down to shower, because she was playing quietly and haven't ventured back up the stairs.

lately, i've been so overwhelmed. it seems like we still haven't completed our move upstairs, even though it happened at the end of may. before this, it seemed like things were going along pretty well, but now, the house is always a disaster, and it seems like its not getting better. things go missing, clutter builds up, and i work too much to do anything about it...because when i come home, i rest, or play on the computer. scott and i need like 2 days where we do nothing but re-arrange and finish moving stuff around or whatever. the problem is (a) we don't have the money to finish right now, and (b) the time is also lacking.

scott broke our lap top, ya know, the one covered in tape anyway. we were contemplating a new one, so last night we went out and got one at best buy. i was more than a little ticked, since this computer also would not connect to our external hard drive, so yeah. that stuff is gone.

but--its picnic day at church, so we'll go hear impact sing, and then we'll enjoy some good food and good friends, and celebrate God's awesome love for us through relationship. then...its back to work on the house. ARG.

it's early.

It's 1:10 am. Ruby is teething, and 2 months old. She finally fell asleep after much fussing around 9 pm or so and scott laid her in her swing. Normally, she would have eaten at 10. But she was SO tired, we decided to let her sleep until she woke up. Scott is asleep on the couch, and im playing around on the computer. Our baby was apparently even more tired than we realized. She's STILL asleep in her swing. shes stirred a few times, but not woken up, and i think thats probably best...I may be a little tired tomorrow but its ok.

I go back to work next week. For the first 5 weeks that i was home, i was really looking forward to it. The last two weeks, the quizzers have come over to hang out after school, and Ruby has become more interactive, and now im not so ready to go back. I would love to be able to either stay home or to work part time, but right now, we just can't afford it. Hopefully in the next few years we can get the cars and credit cards paid off. Then maybe we'll have a second baby (still unsure about that idea--but we know that if we do decide to do that, we would want Ruby to be at least 2) and I could work part time. I know that my job is flexible enough to be able to do that, but I would lose my benefits. Ruby is on scotts insurance, and maybe i could be on it too.

OR--scott or I could get a masters degree in whatever, and i could at least have summers off...I would want to do school social work. Scott would perhaps like to teach high school. I guess we'll see how it all plays out. We're pretty happy with our involvement in our church and our jobs, so we would have to commit to school and cut a few other things out. I'm sure that no matter what, the journey will be terrific.

being home.

I'm in week 6 of maternity leave and i'm bored. I did a million facebook surveys the first few weeks. I play on my wii fit, we had company last week...and now its just ruby and me again. I love ruby, and hanging out is getting to e a little more fun...shes already changing a lot--and im seeing less of the serious look, and getting less screams during changing time...but...in the times that shes sleeping (a lot) i find myself bored. I mean, while i desire to lose some weight, you can only do so many rounds of hula-hoop or strength excercises. and when i eat pizza rolls for lunch, it seems defeatist.

We've had at least one quizzer here every night since sunday--i guess to get ready for indy. and finals is in 3 weeks. If only they didn't have school, to occupy some of my daytime. And lets be honest--they come for ruby as much as they come for quizzing. Which is ok--im glad the love her too.

The one thing that really has stuck with me over the past 6 weeks is how much people really care about us. Ruby is 5 weeks old and is surrounded by people who love and care for her. Shes got us, and our families, (and our quizzers) but beyond that shes got a great church family watching out for her. This strikes me on wednesday nights, when its like being a celebrity. So many people checking in to see how shes doing and how im feeling. last night, as i was checking ruby into the nursery for the first time so i could go to youth group--two families stopped over at the check in counter to see her and check up on us. I was truly touched by this last night, because it was obvious they went out of their way to come over and check in. It's just a really great feeling to know that Ruby is so loved and looked out for, even as little as she is.

I start teaching sunday school again sunday, and im excited to see the girls and hear about all the things in their lives. I helped in jr high youth group last night, and was excited to see all the girls i used to teach. I love hanging out with those kids, and feel like switching to jr high from sr high was the right decision for now. I liked helping in sr high, but really i love the energy of the younger crowd.

Anyway, thats all i've got to ramble about at the moment. I'm sure i'll have something thought provoking to add later.

ramblings about choices.

If you make a commitment to something, you shouldn't be angry when people expect you to be responsible for your commitment.

In my job, i work with parents who aren't willing to take responsibility and raise their children. Or take responsibility and deal with their addiction. If they don't take responsibility, then they don't get re-united with their children--they've made their choice. i can't change it. I can be supportive and encourage them to do what needs done, but i can't force it.

In my life, I have to be responsible to go to work, or i won't have a job. If I don't go to work, and I lose my job, it is not the fault of my employer. I made the choice.

In my bible study, if I don't read the material, I am responsible for that. Not the other members of our bible study. Just me. I'm the one that loses, because I didn't take the time. I made the choice. When someone calls me out on it, I have no choice but to accept responsibility for my lack of commitment to the group.

I get frustrated when our quizzers don't study. Less than 2 pages, and they don't take the time to read it over, and study it. Even though they made a commitment to the team, and when they're called out on it, they get frustrated and angry...but they made the choice. Not me. I had no control over their choice. Today, I wanted to yell. But it makes no difference. It does not change their choice. or their commitment. Ultimately, they made a commitment to be on a team, and whether they want to or not, they owe it to each other to do the work they committed to. If they don't, then its their choice, and the whole team suffers.

When I play on the computer instead of doing laundry, or dishes I make a choice. I don't have clean clothes to wear, or a plate to eat dinner on and its all my fault. No one forced me to spend an hour on facebook.

When I watch tv instead of doing my wii fit, I make a choice to be lazy, and my muscles get weak, and i can't complain about being fat if i make the choice to stay that way. I made a choice. No one forced me to watch tv all afternoon.


So I get angry, and frustrated about all these things, and thats my choice. I want to not care, because thats easier. But then i remember something: God made a choice. It was a choice he didn't probably want to make. He chose to have his son die for me. Jesus didn't want to die, he prays "if its possible, take this cup from me". He probably could have walked away. But he didn't. He could have given up, decided that people didn't deserve salvation. BUT He didn't. He wanted so badly to be in relationship with ME that he went ahead and died. Even when I didn't deserve it. Even when I get angry or say mean things, or do something i shouldn't...even when i'm the worst of sinners--God doesn't give up and walk away. He continues to love me, and honor his commitment to me, even when i don't honor my commitment to him. I make a choice. I make a choice to sin, and to be the one shouting "crucify" or the one hammering the nails. and Jesus, he says "father forgive them-they don't know what they are doing" Funny thing though--i'm making a choice. im aware of how my sin hurts people. and yet, i do it--yelling crucify as i sin.

I want to be like Jesus. I want to make the choice to put my faith first, to forgive when it seems impossible. To be giving when I feel like I've got nothing left to give. I want to love, even when loving is the hardest thing. To be like Jesus, I have to make a commitment, and be responsible for that choice. I need to live "wholeheartedly" and stop doing just enough to get by. because doing just enough to get by is a choice too--and its a choice that really only hurts me in the end. so--i hope to be more like Jesus. Even when its hard and I don't want to. If i only follow Jesus when things go my way and its easy--im not really following at all.

Ruby Danielle.

Well, Ruby joined us February 2, at 9:14 pm. she was a whopping 7 pounds 1 ounce (which is unbelievable if you saw me the week before...) and was a tall 21 inches.

Now i'm home. 8 more weeks with my little girl before going back to work.

polar pop and combos.

I'm sitting at my desk, enjoying a terrific breakfast of polar pop and nacho/pretzel combos. I'm also bored outta my mind. See, i worked really super hard to make sure my co-workers had everything they needed to cover my caseload (which had been cut in half since july anyway) while i'm out on maternity leave.

This leaves the problem: If i am coming in to work, what should i be doing? I sorted my filing, and i have some things to fax and copy, but i lack the motivation to stand in the copy room. Besides, those things aren't urgent, and could get done well, honestly...when i get back after easter. So, if i could somehow convince myself these items were critical, i may be able to do them. I have thus far been unsuccessful. I guess I could actually file the stuff I sorted to help the secretary out, but hole-punching and whatnot...not appealing.

I read part of Confessions of a not-so-supermodel, and posted the link on my facebook. Its a book for teen girls about pursuing your God-given dreams, and being filled with who God has called us to be despite our struggles and to not give up. it seemed like a good read..i may have to pick it up.

i think i'm going to print out some pictures of waldo--to amuse one of my coworkers. that'll kill 5 minutes.

Education...

I refuse to get into the abortion debate yet again. All life has value, including the life of the scared 13 year old--and the best way to stop abortion is not to ban it, but rather to create education for pregancy prevention, and non-judgemental education for unplanned pregnancies. I have a friend who knew that with her pregnancy, adoption was the right choice. She went in, and was told by a nurse that "GOD had a plan for her baby", and was condemned even for the adoption choice. My friend has said that if she hadn't known ahead of time that adoption was what she wanted, she may have been swayed by this nurse. I have a friend who was told that her unplanned out of wedlock pregnancy was sending her to hell. These environments are not conducive to safe, secure education that support adoption or keeping the baby, and can be teh situations that keep young girls from seeking out help--and in the end choose abortion because they were overwhelmed by everthing else. It's a tough choice no matter what choice you make...there is loss in any option, but our best hope to end abortion is education and more education....not laws governing choice. The reality is--even if abortion were illegal, as so many wish--abortion would still happen--it would just happen in less educated, less sterile environments. These women who choose abortion--their lives also have value-and at what point do we have the right to not value them and love them and educate them?

I know several people are angry that President Obama has reversed some abortion funding bans. History tells us that EVERY president since Ronald Reagan has done the same, depending on the nature of their political party. The CDC has been tracking the abortion rate since 1969 and showed that abortion increased in the late seventy's and eighty's with a decline from 1991-1997--the lowest rate being in 1995. Now, the CDC isn't perfect, and neither are their statistics but i think that before we get upset, we need to realize that education costs money. We also have to realize that during times when this ban was reversed, and money was more available, there was a decrease. we have to be willing to assist in this education if we are going to make a real change. It has nothing to do with the signing of any bills or legislation, but with the change in our attitudes to reach out and help others.

My prayer is that every person would understand that policy and procedure don't change lives. People change lives by their love and understanding that EVERY person has value...and if you know someone who is dealing with an unplanned pregnancy, the best thing you can do for them is help them get an education on the medical and emotional trauma of all their options. Be a listening ear, and an advocate when someone treats them poorly. Help them face their families and friends, and to make a decision that CREATES value, rather than destruction.

making an effort.

I just read Karla's blog, which she has been so faithful at keeping, and including pictures of her darling daughter for friends and family far away, and I decided that I needed to make an effort to blog at least a little more. I'm not even sure anyone reads this thing (other than Lena).

I went to the doctor yesterday, and the baby, who is technically due in 10 days is nowhere near ready to be born. Which is ok, because i wanted to make it to the first of February anyway, so that I can be on maternity leave until Easter. It seems like a good plan. This last few weeks though, I've actually really felt like its time to get this monster out. She's lodged way up in my rib cage (i.e..NOT ready to come out) and has caused all kinds of tenderness and inflammation up that way. oh well. I never wanted to be one of those people who were consumed by their pregnancy, but i realize as i write this, that nothing else has gone on in my life this week.

Last night, I went over to see Casey and meet Anna, as they have finally settled in at home at 7 weeks. Casey has a fantastic story, and was glad she was able to share that. While I was there, Karla came over with Brynne, and we all got a chance to hang out. Its too bad that Ruby didn't actually get to play, since shes stubborn and not ready to even move down. Consequences :)

In other news, the computer wouldn't recongnize my ipod last night, so tonight i will make that a project, to try and figure out what the heck is wrong so i can get more music on lovely ipod.

Yesterday we welcomed our 44th president. It is an exciting time in history, and i find myself slightly frustrated that so many people are still negative about the transition...for whatever reason. Things have NEVER in the history of any president changed in 24 hours. Also, at any other period (like the re-election of Bush) people who were unhappy were expected to "shut up and deal with it--be supportive" and while thats kind of a negative attitude, thats what I really want to say to all those unhappy that Barack Obama is now the president. Nothing can change it, so why not be supportive and give the guy a chance to make things better. Don't be critical 24 hours in--that really isn't fair, and shows only that you are close-minded and afraid of change.

All progress is precarious, and the solution of one problem brings us face to face with another problem. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Happy new year.

Lena reminded me that I don't blog enough. Because i'm too lazy to cut and paste when i put a note in facebook. Of course, i don't do that very often either.

In any event, its 2009. In about a month, I'm having a baby. For that, im pretty sure I need anxiety medicine yesterday. But women have survived it for thousands of years so I'll be alright--i just have to actually believe that.

Last night, scott and i went to the movies. With our schedules, that doesn't happen too often. We went to see benjamin button, but we were about 10 minutes late, and it seemed kinda busy..so we opted for DOUBT instead. It was scott's choice, because he has worked so hard helping get the house cleaned up and repaired and whatnot for the coming baby. I wanted to thank him, and so out we went-tired and all. I enjoyed the movie, but felt like there were a few things that should have perhaps been made more obvious, that would have added to the storyline. Overall though, it was a good movie, and something I would recommend. Then we went to denny's with Lena and Randy. It was good times...pancake puppies and all.

I'm excited for 2009, but honestly, its kinda like a birthday. Its just another day, and marks the passage of time. It's a time to start over, to try again, and to hopefully live life with joy and celebration. If it doesn't happen, theres always 2010 but i wish to all of you a fantastic year, and hope that you are able to take every opportunity for improvement in your own life, as well as bettering the lives of others.